I read this article a long time back. Around sven years ago. Where, when, how and why...lets not go into the details. It seems a little cliched now, but then I felt it was wonderful. Nevertheless, here goes.
It was the end. We both knew nothing could be done now. It was over. Finished. But we wanted to meet and get it over. So we did meet and agreed that nothing could be salvaged of it. It was better to part. No notice. No malice, anger, complaints. Just move away.
Now its back to staring at the telephone. Will it ring? Does he think of me at all or is finished to him really finished? Over? Does it really have a finished sound? Isn’t there a little space for movement? He could call by mistake! After all he’s so used to dialing this number. He could call and say he was preoccupied, wasn’t thinking of what he was doing, so he got me. He could say…
He called. He did finally at last call. He called after we had agreed to part. He called even though we had thrashed it out mutually and agreed w had nothing to give each other. He called once again. He called and said there was a message at his desk that I had called. Is that all you can say to me? Nothing more – just that? That you are returning a call? But I didn’t call! Did you really get such a message? If you did then didn’t you want to call me? Did you call just because you had to answer my call?
But I didn’t call so how could you have got a message like that? It could have been a mistake. The operator is so used to giving you my message. So it is possible that she thought I had called when I hadn’t. But did she really? Can’t you say you called because you wanted to? You called to hear my voice once more. You called to hear my voice one more time? You called because you were so used to calling? You called because I still mattered a little bit? Can’t you say one small thing like that? Even if you don’t mean it, can’t you just say it now that you’ve called? Even if you did get such a message, can’t you pretend you didn’t?
What would it matter anyway? Have you nothing to say? Don’t you want to know how I’m coping without you? Don’t you want to know what I’m doing with the time I used to invest in you? Don’t you want to know how I am?
But all he said was, “There was a message at my desk that you had called”. It was just that and nothing more. I was silent. Then I said “No. I didn’t call”. But don’t you want to know how much I wanted to? How I stopped myself from touching the phone for it would be sacrilege to pick up the phone and dial a number that didn’t connect me to you? So I didn’t call. And I kept myself from calling by doing so many interesting things I could have told you about if you called. I kept myself busy as to not think about you while thinking about you.
I know we agreed that it was the end. I know we did it mutually and I know that I a not supposed to matter even a little bit anymore. But does it work out that way just because we said so? I know I don’t matter anymore to you. But don’t I matter at all? Am I negated just because you have taken me out of your life? Why don’t you say something? He said so what else is new? What else! What went before else? I don’t even know what could be new! When I’m so old what could be new! How are you, I asked. And he said “I’m fine, happy”. HAPPY? How can you be happy? How can the word even occur to you in the present situation? You are happy. What does that mean? Are you happy because you thought that I had called? Are you happy that it’s over? Are you happy because calling me now is doing me a favour and it makes you feel big? Are you happy to be able to tell me that our parting has not made you unhappy? Are you happy to prove to me that you still are strong and objective? Are you happy that you are able to feel happy? What does it mean, happy? It has a strange sound to it. You were happy when you were with me. You told me this. Now are you happy without me? I don’t understand. Tell me how exactly you can be happy. Maybe that will make me happy.
Or are you telling me all this to me so that I can see how magnificent you are that we made a decision and you were able to stick to it and be happy. Does what I think of you matter more to you than I do? Why do you have to prove anything to me? Why? I know you are magnificent. I make you so. I know you are strong. You have taken my strength. I know you can be happy now. I know everything about you. Look at me. Hear me for a change. Talk to me. Tell me that you called to say hello for old times’ sake. Old times – That’s yesterday. I haven’t assimilated it all yet. Give me time. For me, it was never the end. Just the beginning of the end. Never the end itself. Give me time, and a little gentleness. Call me. Call me sometimes even to say there was a message at your desk that I had called. Call me. I need your presence in my life to outgrow you.
Lata Khubchandani.
